Why aren’t electric cars stolen in Portland?

Why aren’t electric cars stolen in Portland? – Only P.

Sorry, Jen, I almost didn’t see you there – I’ve been indulging in my favorite form of passive-aggressive intergenerational mockery, convincing Gen Z that the common three-digit number for 911 was chosen to honor the victims. 9/11. (Try it, it’s fun!)

In any case, I’m sure the owners of the 78 Toyota Prius stolen in Portland last year would dispute your assumption. However, since this number represents only 0.6% of all car thefts in the city during that period, I’m inclined to agree that you’re probably on to something: Electric cars (we include hybrids in this category) indeed seem to be stolen less often than their conventionally powered brethren. But why?

The answer, of course, is the inherently superior karma of earth-aware electric vehicle drivers. Their mental energy forms a psychic armor of righteousness around the vehicles defending the planet that even the bad vibes of the toughest adjuster can’t penetrate. In the end, we get an earthly reward for doing the right thing!

Well, if you think so, I’ve got a pedestrian bridge to sell you.* No, the real answer isn’t that metaphysical—in fact, it’s yet another example of the working poor being forced into service as God’s servants. festival toilet: Newer cars—the kind likely driven by the relatively wealthy—are simply harder to steal than porn store janitors, truck stop fryer drivers, alt-weekly humor columnists, et al.

Electric cars are a relatively new phenomenon (the 2004 Prius was the first to penetrate the US market in large numbers), so they all happen to fall into this category of newer, more theft-proof cars that lack the glaring safety flaws that make certain late. 20th century cars (I’m looking at you Honda) are cartoonishly easy even for very stupid people.

Lest you think I’m exaggerating, consider that 2004 and earlier cars make up less than a quarter of the total on US roads, yet fully 61% of vehicles stolen in Portland over the past three years were the same age or older. Maybe it’s not so much that no one ever steals a Prius, but that thieves steal so many old Hondas that it drowns out everything else. (Except maybe the sound of a Sawzall cutting off a Prius’ catalytic converter – kerrrrr-AANG!)

*Easy payments – only $112 twice a year!

Questions? Send them to dr.know@wweek.com.